Hey y’all, welcome back to another episode of No Invite Necessary. I’m your host, Nolita, AKA The MonaLita. And this is a podcast where I share real stories of the hustlers, grinders, dreamers, and doers who have faced life’s toughest challenges and came out on top, stronger, wiser, and way more fulfilled.
Today’s episode is special because we are diving into the complexities of imposter syndrome, a topic that I know many of us have struggled with. Now, before we dive in, I’ve got to shout out today’s sponsor, Thoughts Become Things. You know, I’m wearing one of their amazing shirts today. And if you want to grab your own, head over to millintwins.
com to check out their full collection.
I couldn’t think of a better guest to join me today, other than Shannon Jacobs, a licensed clinical mental health therapist, specializing in couples therapy, family, mindfulness, and behavior modification. Right? So y’all, this episode is about to get good. Because I got the one here.
This is the one. This is the one. Thank you for being on the pod, Shianna. Thank you for having me. Yes, you are a part of the inaugural class of my first batch of guests. So you were at the top of my mind when I was having a conversation with my bro. We were definitely on the same page talking about why is she not doing this more?
Why is she not on panels? Because she has, she has what it takes to heal the people. Thank you. But before we get into the episode. Mhmm. about imposter syndrome. We’re going to play a little icebreaker. So if y’all know, I don’t know if you guys have heard of Terrell’s game. It is called, I know you lying. I ain’t going to say that word.
I know you effing lying. That’s what it is. So it’s where you pull a card, Right. And you have to read that card off. So for example, this one says celebrities with makeup, hair, or skincare brands. And then we will go back and forth, basically trying to figure out who is going to call bluff first on how many actual brands we can actually name.
So. We want to take a stab at this one. We want to pull a fresh one. Let’s pull a fresh one. Okay, let’s pull a fresh one. Oh, and you got to answer. If I say that I know you effing lying, you got to answer. On the spot. On the spot, the number that you said. Okay. Yes. Okay. Okay. So stand up comedians. I can name one.
I can name one. You got to say I can name two. I can name two. I can name three. I can name four. I can name five. I can name six. I know you effin live.
Okay. Alright, 60 seconds, go. D. L. Hughley. Mm hmm. Um, Monique Williams. Okay. Are they deceased or alive? It don’t matter. Bernie Mac. Okay. Um, um, um, Dave Chappelle.
Okay. Kevin Hartz. Okay, come on! I said five? She said five! Am I slow? Six? Oh, six, six. Um, um, um. You got time. Um, Pharoah, what’s that boy’s name from Saturday Night Live? Is his name like Joseph Pharoah, Jay Pharoah? Um, Nick Cannon, is that Yes. Yes. Nick Cannon. Okay. Six. Yes. .
She’s sitting here.
Yeah.
Okay. So shout out to Shannon.
She can’t, she came. I did.
I kind of bluffed though because I felt as if, if I had said, if I had winced you would’ve coughed my bluff. . So be,
I was like, you know, let’s see, let’s see. Let’s sing. Okay. So yeah, so we like to, you know, just get ourselves nice and warmed up. So, imposter syndrome. Um, really the inspiration for this episode was like most things, social media.
You know, I see people talking about the topic, about what it means, how it manifests in people’s lives, but I’m not really seeing a lot of, um, content where there is someone with your invested, you know, study, career, things of that nature that can really speak to it. So can you just kind of open it up and tell us what exactly is imposter syndrome?
Sure. Okay. So first thing, imposter syndrome, it’s an experience, a perception. Um, it’s not an actual mental health diagnosis, but it’s, it feels real. Right. Um, so with imposter syndrome, what it pretty much does is it’s like all you’re worth. cataracts, right? You can’t see clearly. You are doubting yourself.
You can have the credentials, you can have worked hard, you can have all the accolades, but imposter syndrome tells you through your experience that like, however you got it was by chance. However you got it was pity or somehow. Yeah. So what you do is you just, you can sit like consistently just perceive that you don’t belong at any table and that you have to in some ways try to blind people or.
become a fraud. Okay. And that someday somebody is going to catch you. So
when people are experiencing imposter syndrome, is it, is this a common thing or is it something that happens only to certain types of people in certain lifestyles? It’s
very, very, very common. They first actually started researching it with like, you know, high successful business women.
Right. Um, but it actually hits all different demographics, all ages. Um, you see the manifestation of it kind of like when people are like, Playing themselves short, you know, um, it’s that humility where it’s like, Oh, I didn’t really mean it. You know, I really didn’t earn it or get it. And you start seeing it, you see it in small areas and you see it in big.
Do you, have you ever seen it in children or is it mainly an adult thing?
I think you see a lot more of it in, I would say probably a lot of my clients that are in the ages of like grade school, middle school and high school. I see a lot more of that manifestation. Like younger kids, it’s kind of hard to tell, like, you know, detect whether or not it’s imposter syndrome or if it’s just, they’re scared to be bullied or they’re just scared.
Um, but you kind of see the manifestations, manifestations of it a lot more, I would say prevalently in like high schoolers. In my experience, I’ve seen a lot of
that. So we, I guess for me, like imposter syndrome, I think, like I mentioned before, it’s a very popular topic on social, right?
So
are people finding it to be, are they, Are they inspired by the success of others?
Right? And then they’re getting into these positions in life where, because they don’t see themselves as the person that they’re inspired by, is that what makes them? Some feel that they have imposter syndrome.
That can definitely be a serious like variable where people are comparing themselves to others.
They see everyone’s like their success or their reals and they just say well, they got it. Yeah. Yeah, super easy or so quickly. Why can’t I? Or because I haven’t done it as quickly, or it looks as seamless as they have, then, but success does not require perfection. So that’s the problem, is that you might see someone who has done a lot, but you don’t know what they had to go through.
And mistakes doesn’t have to mean that you’re a fraud. It means you just start over.
But you know, starting over is so
Yeah, baby. It’s a ministry.
It’s not. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the faint of heart at all. And I think people aren’t, they don’t know how to go out and seek the resources to help them kind of talk through those emotions.
So like, how would you guide, um, a a client, a patient that comes in, um, say that may be in the beginning stages of having these feelings. How would you open up the floor like for the dialogue to even kind of unpack that with them?
I would be impressed if they actually came to my office saying they have imposter syndrome, right?
Because typically it’s like, it’s like, People might have it, they might have like saw like a podcast like this or they might see something and like, okay, I have that. But most times people just have this self doubt and they run with it. They don’t even have that self awareness that like, wait, I could be wrong.
So most people don’t know or recognize that. Now what can happen is if someone comes into my office and they tell me their background, they tell me their supports, they tell me what they do for a living, they tell me their personalities and it’s common that they clearly have a very very, um, high sense of self doubt.
What I typically do is I, we try to do is get this self acceptance by just saying what is it that you want and how can you get to it? Tell me why you can’t get that. What is your founding evidence to prove that you’re not able to To inevitably win.
Girl, let me write down some of these questions.
Like, what is it like, What is it that you want?
Yeah, and, and tell me why you can’t do it. Who has put a lid or covering to your potential? Cause baby, there is no fortune teller, so. I make five mistakes, I hear ten no’s, all I need is one. Come on! So, baby, if you got imposter syndrome, your brain ain’t fixed, it’s transformable. Like, you can, it’s, it’s, you can come into a session, you already had the worth.
I don’t create it, I just unfog the mirror.
Can we, can we take a moment? Okay. Just a moment. I’m being pummeled by the gems. I, I need a tin covering. Say that one, say that last
part one more time. Okay. The, about the covering part? Yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
I generally ask a client like, who became your covering or your lid?
Because no one’s a fortune teller.
That is so good. And it’s
inevitable for you to win. Like I was, we were all created with the same level of self worth. I don’t care what accolades you have, what I have, what I don’t have. If I don’t use my worth, okay, then you can clearly see it in the way in my walk, but like Your worth ain’t dis you don’t get no discounts from it.
You don’t gotta earn it. You were born in it But you gotta live in it. So Imposter syndrome tells you their self worth. They deserve it. Your friends deserve it. Your Anybody else deserve it, but you You gotta work ten times harder to even prove that you even have it.
How do you help them to live in it?
How do you help them to even define what the it is?
I try to get them to see that if they want to get somewhere, they have to challenge that doubt. Not necessarily marry it. Stop, stop coddling the chaos, right? Okay. Coddling the chaos. Yeah, like stop. Production is back here. Raising hands and wiggling fingers, okay?
I speak in a lot of analogies and parables. We love it. If you hear me like with like 3, 000 of them, that’s just the way how I do therapy. We love it. We love it. I try to do that. Um, how do I say that? Like, clearly a person’s come in there and they’ve been hurt. So. Me, I have a background, like background of like one to kind of like cheer you into your own.
I don’t need to have 3000 sessions with you. If I have one session with you and that’s the last one I’m going to have, I’m going to give you that session worth of it. Maybe not the best sales pitch, but I don’t really sell therapy. Cause it ain’t really me. It’s them. Right? So how I go about it is just like, I might not tell a client fully what I see in them because that might overwhelm them.
Why? Because I feel as if some people, they won’t necessarily receive it. Okay, a lot of people have are good seeds, right? You give someone a good seat, but not everyone got the is ready to plant Okay, so if I were to tell somebody in advance like I see that you can be They might run from it. Yeah, they might be so overwhelmed and feel as if if they don’t get to that in the next session i’m Looking down on them So what I do is I try to meet people at where they’re at and we confront these These fears these demons demons, whatever you got going on and we just say, okay You You’re super intelligent.
Please tell me the founding evidence to prove that you’re not worth being able to get whatever you desire.
So what if you had to give listeners Three definite ways of building, because it seems like it’s also a little bit of a lack of self compassion. Mm hmm. So what are three, for sure, let’s not say for sure, what are three, like, helpful, helpful tips on how to build self compassion?
Okay, I would say for perfectionists, right? If I had a client that was a perfectionist on my chair, I would say You need to embrace imperfection while striving for excellence. It’s a motto that like I can strive for excellence, but I’m not about to just. stick to perfectionism because perfectionist people are, they just like the validation of being right.
They kind of feed off of the idea of like, because they don’t necessarily want to have that gap of being wrong. If I’m okay with imperfections, that doesn’t mean necessarily I’m living in a life that like, I’m okay with things being half done, whatever. It’s no, I strive for excellence, but certain things as part of my testimony that like if I didn’t get it right, that does not mean my second, My second take isn’t going to be better.
Yeah, I tell clients you can do Mindfulness is really really big making sure that your environment It actually reflects your self worth that you’re trying to be not your default Because if your default is faulty, I ain’t trying to have a i’m not trying to have a faulty environment that goes with friendships That goes with jobs if those jobs are not necessarily reflecting the self worth that I strive to be I do not want to be part of it.
Um, journaling and asking for help. That was just one. Um, journaling, asking for help. Yes. And being okay with making mistakes. You can, a lot of our great people that we inspire to be or want to be, they also have had imposter syndrome and we buy their books and they’ve impacted our lives.
So why can’t you?
Facts. Facts.
That was two, y’all. That was two. Okay, and then one more. One more. One more. For self
compassion. Self compassion, I would say if you don’t already love yourself at this stage, learn to love yourself. In any capacity, however that is. You don’t wait until you get to the final product to love yourself I tell clients how do you love on yourself or like what is your love language, whatever it is if it’s affirmation speak life to yourself if that is Um post its in your room if that’s going different places and experiencing different things love on yourself and nurse that wound That’s good.
Because the thing about it is I’m not judging myself, I assess myself. Yeah. But judging is like, that’s unnecessary. I’m
going to just go look in the mirror later.
You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You
gotta, you gotta say it. I’ve been gathered. I’ve been gathered. If at this point, whether you’re listening or you’re watching, you have not gotten out A scratch pad, an old receipt in a pen.
your notes in your phone, something, write these gems down. Okay. We save you a little bit of a copay.
Yes.
Okay. Just saying, this is, we got her on the couch. So like I’ve had my own battles with, um, imposter syndrome just over the last 10 years of changing career fields and going into something completely different and really starting from scratch, which is, similar to like what I’m experiencing now with starting this podcast and, um, also with acting.
So I’ve experienced imposter syndrome. I will say that it doesn’t, it hasn’t crept back up as much because I’ve been more mindful of the community of people that I place around me. So how can the people that we are in fellowship with. How can that either, how can that really grow that, that bad seed of imposter syndrome?
I think if you’re not careful, um, and you’re not necessarily being specific with your village, you’ll settle for anything because that imposter syndrome saying, oh man, I finally got friends. Once you kind of challenge that, you’re like, how do my friends Bring value to my life. Everyone in every way has value and worth, but how do they bring or do they just strain it?
Do they challenge my value and my worth because it does not necessarily, um, make their lives convenient? And you can notice that, like in certain things, creating boundaries with friends. If they receive it, that’s a good indication that they actually receive and accept you. Um, there’s a certain things like red flags.
I don’t allow when you are working on different projects. Don’t let people’s fear or let their, their mistakes cloud over yours. You don’t, you, you got to make sure that you deal with people who are okay when you make a mistake and they don’t necessarily go to like 9 1 1. It’s emergency, like
speaking down or
you should never done that.
Or why are you doing this? Are you big time? Or, you know, like the slight, this is, you don’t allow certain things. So I think. You have to level up your need. You have to upgrade your friendships the same way you’re upgrading your your goals.
Upgrade your friendships. If there are a number that we can text for that, is there a short code?
You know what though, if you have to guess whether or not your friendships are just off of the laurels of time versus like off of potential, that’s probably an indication that like you need to upgrade your friendships.
The laurels of time.
Yes. Some people legit are your friends just off of like trauma bonding and just time.
And, and, and. They’ve never really had to upgrade. No, no shade, no toxicity. But like y’all been kicking it since y’all was like 10. They seen you at your worst, they seen you at your best. Some people are stuck there and they rest on those laurels. There’s no more merit. There’s no more investment. It’s just like, we do the same thing for birthdays.
We do the same thing for like, we know we go on vacations, but there’s no like, sis, what you doing? Not
growing.
Yeah. And a lot of people, they get offended by growth because it’s not comforting. And some friendships can’t upgrade cause like, they can’t see you sober. Or you gotta, you gotta act a certain, what?
Change, some people, changes, they get intimidated. So one thing about it though is like if you got two friends who have self doubt, y’all gonna have to either, in this journey, work together to build each other, you know, or you’re gonna have to cast some isolation. Cause some people, you gotta, you gotta let them isolate, heal, develop before they can come back to your village.
And it’s no shade. You don’t got the capacity to be my village. My village is movers and shakers.
She’s like, you’re not, you’re not moving the right way.
Yeah. I can send you a Christmas card, but you can’t come to my Christmas, like vision party. Yeah. And it’s okay. Love you. I’ll still send to your popcorn fund, whatever you got going on, but baby, you can’t know my dreams.
Caramel
bars that everybody’s selling for
You can’t, if you’re going through, so you have. People may have their friends. They may need to kind of shift who they are in contact with, who has that intimate relationship with them. How, how exactly when you’re looking at that almost as a setback? Some people may consider that as a setback.
It, it feel like that because isolation isn’t sexy. Development isn’t either. You think about the film, right? Yeah, yeah. Dark room. Yeah. But I want, I want my full picture. Yeah. It’s like, I’m hustling for my own sanity. I’m hustling now for peace. I’m hustling for consistency. And sometimes I don’t always, just like any process, not all processes look sexy and convenient and comfortable because.
Where’s the growth at? How do, how
does imposter syndrome typically manifest in someone who, say they haven’t gotten to the dream job or they don’t live in the dream home yet, but how does it manifest in their building phase?
They play small. Okay, they play small. Um, they minimize, they minimize their growth and they make it seem as if like it just kind of happened, like just randomly, you know, like when someone give a compliment, Oh, you know, I just do this, you know, they just downplay it.
They actually, what you can see is not investing, not even taking that. leap on faith. You know what I mean? A lot of the times imposter syndrome, you can have it and still be successful. You can still be all those different things. You just got to challenge it. Yeah. Yeah. Like I said before, don’t, don’t like coddle it.
Don’t coddle it. Challenge it. Make it, make your imposter syndrome so uncomfortable. It got to work extra harder than the way how you doing.
Oh, you going to have me around here, running around Chicago. Don’t coddle it. Challenge it.
Challenge it. Like, no, I want all of my things that I battle it. to have to work harder to get me.
I’m running away from it. That’s good. That’s good. She’s leaving me
speechless
and my job is to talk.
Sorry, I get to the analogies.
I’m just trying to make it so that it’s cohesive because like when I’m in therapy sessions, like It’s just, you just keep going and be like, Oh, 55 minutes to you. Bye.
No, this is good because you know, the whole premise of the show is it’s about the hustlers, the grinders, the doers, the dreamers, but it’s about that season of going from a setback to what your definition of success is.
So when you think about, I don’t, I know you have, you know, patient, um, things that you can’t discuss, but is there a story or a. a client reference that you can share of how you saw someone who was successful, who did struggle with imposter syndrome a bit and you saw the transition and what did it look like on the other side of someone who did struggle with it to someone who overcame
it?
Um, okay. So I would say I saw it in one of like my, um, High schoolers and I have it’s interesting because sometimes I might have a high schooler come in and they’re freshmen and then I’m with Them all the way up until senior so you kind of already know that you’re gonna see something blossom And it’s not always pretty and sexy, but like you gonna see it and what I I think to me I’m always wanting to see a woman find her voice But not only find it but to fall in love with it enough to actually use it Women know their voice.
You can’t hide from it. That’s why there’s so much conflict. I think what this scenario is that Very smart very very intelligent and you what you saw the manifestation in her imposter syndrome or just in general How life has been lifing her is that she played herself small by not necessarily Applying herself.
Hmm. Okay, super intelligent to the point. I’d be like, baby. We’re not doing math in here Okay, I do not want to do math, but she was She was so brilliant Yet she withhold, she withheld that from the world because in some ways it just seemed like she didn’t feel like it was good enough. And I watched her in certain scenarios freak out for things that like, Hey baby, you have already survived your worst day.
Why are we worried about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I didn’t do it. I’m just here giving you a reflection of whatever you just did. And I watched her do that, but I let her, I let her on her own path. Cause sometimes some of my clients, they learn the hard way, but that’s still there.
That’s okay. Because that’s still their journey. I’m at, what, 34 years old right now. Mm hmm. I had to go through whatever I went through in order for me to be able to have, to be empathetic or even have a testimony. Yeah, yeah. So some clients don’t gotta work on my eight week program. It can be on a, So, when did I actually saw that she was using her voice, loving her voice and you and walking into it was when I saw her trembling, but she’s, I saw her trembling like slightly tremble.
I don’t like see it because like I was looking at her hands and I saw her voice kind of crack, but she was sticking to facilitating this family session with her parents. And it wasn’t just her parents, it was like parents, like it was a blended family. So it was like multiple people. It was like maybe five adults in a room at a conference table and she was facilitating it and all I was doing was just sitting back.
Not making her feel as if I wasn’t going to say anything. Yeah. But she didn’t need me. She was being brave. She was being brave and I kept telling her at the end of it was the mere fact of, Bravery and courage don’t have to be in the absence of chaos. Usually that’s when you do it the most. Same thing with confidence.
Absolutely. When I’m the most scared, my courage steps up. Yeah. I don’t need easy trails. I’m not built for smooth sailing. I’m actually built for turbulence.
Come on, I’m built for turbulence. It’s
going
in the notes. I’m not worried about things being faulty. I’m built.
I feel like you didn’t drug me around this time. I feel like I’ve been drug up and down Pulaski and Madison. High noon. High noon. But it’s, it’s, it’s good. It’s, it’s for our growth. It is. My good people, it’s for our growth. Okay. So let’s shift a little bit. Yeah. Right. Because from what I’m hearing, what I’m learning is that imposter syndrome is not really acknowledging and accepting your true self.
So how can someone begin to define and embrace their true self?
I would say getting to know themselves. Um, I like to do a lot of psycho education on, tell me you. Tell me what you love about yourself. Tell me what you don’t like. Just tell me your dreams. Tell me all of the your idiosyncrasies that make you, you and what you like and what you don’t like.
I feel like when you look at your own profile, you got to like it. Cause if you don’t like it, you’re going to be thinking everybody in your life is just settling for you.
I would even wonder like, how are there case studies that unpacks, have, how many people have actually even answered those questions about themselves?
Well, I done saw about 1, 000, I done a couple of cases, a lot of cases this year, but all of my clients typically have to do something like that in the beginning of it. But I would say honestly though, like, you know, you take those personality quizzes, you meet people, you really should be in relationship with people who legit want to know you and invest in you.
Yeah. But they can’t be the first people that want to be invested and know you. So you know how when you date in somebody or whatever, you ask the general questions. Don’t let that be the first time that you’ve explored those questions and answers. Yeah. Absolutely. Know yourself. Yeah, be okay with like dang.
I really can’t do a cartwheel You know or I’d be like, but I’m okay with that because I have all these other things I mean I make light of it, but it’s like I gotta love me. I gotta marry me I gotta do all these things for me so that anyone that’s around me benefits from me being whole Or working on my wholeness.
So how do you,
what are, what are some daily practices someone can do to just build their self confidence? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re saying.
Journaling with journal prompts. Like, um, maybe starting off by saying, I love myself because, you know, do it every day. Right. Um, talk to yourself. Maybe not necessarily on the train.
You know what I mean? Like you can, but like you might want to, Whisper. You might want to whisper. Whisper. Um, and let’s just say, if you’re not good at positive self talk, which a lot of people maybe not necessarily are trained to do. Mm hmm. let it get poured into you so that it becomes more natural in your environment.
So watch your eye gates, watch what you listen to, watch what conferences you go to, watch the clicks and the branches that you go to and elevate it. Because let’s just say, if I’m not that great at working out, I’ll get me a personal trainer and that’s cool. And then eventually I’ll know how to do my own workout.
Do the same thing when it comes to your brain. I want to work that part of my brain that’s going to level on me and if I’m not familiar with it, that’s cool. If I’m not, if I’m not a master of my own positive self talk, that’s cool. But let me not get complacent in where I’m at right now knowing that I can be better.
Learn. Read a book. A good book. Dump that
man or woman. Read books. Y’all got to leave them people if they not. It’s a train and a ball. She said leave them. Tell yourself you love yourself. Watch who you’re around. Okay,
I’m loving this, I’m loving this, I’m loving this. You can’t just be around people who are just yes men.
So is
that different from, is that different practices from
mindfulness? It’s all like a combination of one. I like, you have to kind of train your muscle and that brain to like, to be fighting off all these negative thoughts about every single day. Okay. Life is life and this world is going to always throw you at some negative type of things.
Yeah, yeah. So, if you don’t use a muscle, it goes into atrophy. Which means I have to constantly be working out this muscle in my brain to combat self doubt all the time. That’s not to say that I can’t assess that like maybe I have areas in my life that might be of concern or like a deficiency. Okay, but that does not mean it’s stuck there.
is recognizing gratitude, realistic gratitude. Not what everyone wants you to be grateful for, but what you are actually grateful for. Just being present in the moment of, although things may not necessarily be as they, as I would like. What am I grateful for? What brings value? What is the, what is okay?
What is going well? I feel like doing that daily practice of that is one way you can do that with journaling. You can do that with kind of just, um, acknowledging it, talking. I think that’s a good way. Certain people, they meditate. Um, as a faith based person for myself, I’ll never be a gatekeeper for my peace.
God is my peace. Yeah. Right. Understanding. So I can literally surrender to all the chaos knowing that. I don’t have to solve everything. So when I have a client who’s like faith based, it’s kind of easy. I would say it’s much easier to be like, and then you pray. And then you pray. So meditation also, um, for some people, they like to listen to music.
I’d say, make sure that you listen to the music that, um, adds value, brings value. Okay. Um, dancing. Dance. You can’t dance. That’s okay. Just, uh, move it. Groove it. I mean, I’m not sure if twerking has a high correlation with success rates, but I’m pretty sure if, um, your kneecaps are okay, you got insurance.
You can do it.
You can do it. You can do it. Okay. Yeah. So now for who you are,
talk
about who you are and the impact that you have on the couch. Who is the woman that, that I’m speaking to off of the couch, when she’s out of the office, you do so much pouring from a professional standpoint. So it’s not even. from just like a philanthropic effort, right?
This is, this is your job, which is to help people find and develop the tools to best heal themselves and to be able to just navigate through life, right? So how do you practice mindfulness for yourself? How have you built your own self confidence and just protecting yourself from not depleting yourself?
I try to be as consistently, um, with loving on myself. And being in environments that reflect that. So that even when I’m having like, I say life is life and a lot or plot twists, right? Cause there has been so many plot twists of thinking that things should be and they’re not. And I battle with that. And I recognize that.
So I make sure that I have mentors. I make sure that I’m talking to people, that I ask for help, that I stopped being worried about being a high maintenance friend. And just saying that I am a high maintenance friend because I actually bring, I know how to maintain a high valued friendship. So that’s why I’m like, I’m okay with things.
gradually dissolving or being put in their places because I’m never going to discount what I need. And I feel like that’s my practice. Like it’s my love language to myself to not downplay what I need.
So let me ask you, so how did you get to that? How did you even conceptualize the self awareness needed?
To say to yourself, before you say it to anybody else, that you are the high maintenance friend and not feeling bad about that.
I would, I have to thank all of my clients. You hear a lot of stories and you hear certain things and I’m like, wait a second. Everybody’s so scared of being needy. Everybody’s so scared of being all those different things.
Who’s the judge of that? And also, scriptures and prayers, right? If I’m the daughter of a king, I’m not looking down at people, but I’m also not putting myself down. If I’m a queen, I’m a queen. I’ma stop going down my caste system because people don’t have the capacity to value me. If I’m a Chanel bag, baby, I’m a Chanel bag.
Now, I’m not saying I’m a Chanel bag because I need friends to buy me Chanel bags. But it’s the value of it. I’m a type of friend that sees you where you at. No judgment, but I assess. Don’t give unsolicited advice, but I ain’t gonna tell you no lie. So yeah, that’s what I want in return. I have a high girl code.
So if you don’t have that high girl code, baby, love is free. And in abundance, but my access is a certain code and certain people don’t have that. And it’s okay because you know what? I don’t got to walk around telling you who got that code and who don’t. You just know by approximation and frequency. The
way she is blessing us right now.
So approximation, approximation and frequency also allows me to be able to regulate what I got going on. There are certain people who are so amazing and I want them to eat. I just don’t want to eat with you at my table I will legit door dash you something i’ll insta cart you something, but you’re not coming to my house I don’t care if it’s crackers and cheese Because at my table we pour
oh father
so That’s okay, but you’ll never know because I still give to everybody
I should have called your husband so he can warn me Deacon pray over me.
I love
everybody. God says to love everybody and be kind
No, you’ve just really given me something to think about. I’ve never been able to formulate, I guess, a character description of the type of friend that I am, but I think that I thank you for that because you really just opened up my mind on ways to process my confidence as to how I show up as a friend and not being, um, not feeling like I have to cower in my friendship.
Thank you for that. I appreciate that. I love this couch. I love this couch. Don’t
cover. No. People can be a covering for you, like protection. Don’t let them ever be a lid.
That is amazing. Okay, so when you’re off the couch, and you know, you’re You’re frolicking and you’re free. What are you doing with your, with your time?
What do you enjoy?
In this stage of 2023, I am watching Seinfeld. I am in an amazing and comfortable muumuu. I am doing self care and skin care. There’s no pockets. I just like the freeness of just like, I’m cooking. I’m, I’m dancing to any song that just brings me peace.
Love that.
And I’m just, I’m challenging myself to not procrastinate.
Mmm. Because sometimes, trying to, the resetting, sometimes I’m like, alright, you reset it, now you need to kind of, come on.
Is that a new challenge for you or has it been an ongoing thing that you just kind of have to be?
I would just say just for like just for this summer, you know, like the way how the economy is going and working in this field as well The numbers I was making last year they had some challenges this year regarding like people just needing to work more Yeah, and stuff like that and being an entrepreneur or being a in a self practice you have to kind of like, okay We got this and you got to pivot And sometimes the pivot is annoying because you’re like i’m used to But if I got so used to, where my testimony going?
It ain’t stopped by 2022. And if I got a story to tell, it’s going to be real and authentic. And if that means that having some holes in my schedule, that challenges that imposter syndrome. Cause you’re like, Oh man, why is it going on? People got bills. Yeah. They got to work. They got to work so I can upgrade my, so that’s what I’m doing right now is a lot of like, I challenge that when I don’t see.
The consistency as I did see in the beginning that don’t mean God has left his hand off me He just means you see this confrontation now. You got more time to do content now. You got the extra rest to Be able to okay. You can watch the sign fill it or whatever. Yeah, but then what you gonna do for the next What you gonna do what pastor said?
He was like what you gonna do today? That’s going to Make a difference in two years So if I was working 31 hours a week, yeah, I ain’t got time for content. Yeah, so it’s a blessing That’s the gratitude. That’s that mindfulness
This is this,
but it’s not easy. Okay, it’s
not.
It’s not.
You got me excited to do some work.
Okay, hustle for your piece. I can now.
Yes. And all of that. I mean, if you think about just the variables of imposter syndrome, like what could be the cases of it, the environment, um, being an african american black woman and or Cause I’m black, black. My clients know I’m black and I’m proud of it. Right. So that in and of itself, you’re in, I’m, I work in Indiana.
I’m from the East coast. So if you think about it, like when you’re in Brown spaces, it feels safer when you’re in white spaces, you got to be okay with your voice because systemic racism. aggressive black women. We can’t be loud. I can’t cry, but Sally can cry. You know what I mean? I was like, so yes, I have battled with it, but battling with something don’t necessarily mean that I can’t be a survivor of it.
Right? You can be a survivor of cancer, but you still got to make sure that you’re getting your health right. You, you don’t stop once you get that good report. You keep living your life. So that’s the same way how I feel about being a past people pleaser and imposter syndrome. The only way how I had to be effective in this season was I had to kind of go through that, experience a trial and error, and grieve certain relationships that I no longer grieve for today.
That’s why it’s effective or moving so fast because when you ask me a question, It’s like a reel of all the things I once felt like was a burden, but now it’s using it as my blessing. Right? So that’s how I see it. Like, dang, this, this plot twist sucks, but it’s going to be a really good from my forward.
Okay.
Um,
y’all this, this, this, this episode has been more than what I expected. I had so many different ways I was like, it’s gonna go this way, it’s gonna go that way. She came in here and emptied the clip. Okay? I’m a sniper. We are, yes, a sniper. A holy, a holy therapy giving sniper. And we love it and we’re here for it.
So, you know, I want to thank you for coming on the pod
today, my darling. I am so humbled and honored to be on this. Thank you. I’m so excited for you. I
knew you were going to come on here and
bless
the people.
Come on here and bless the people.
Y’all, today’s conversation with this right here, Shannon was nothing short of enlightening.
She has, if I had a wig on, it is blown off. She’s blown my wig off, okay? We unpacked so much about imposter syndrome, how it shows up in our lives, and most importantly, how to overcome it. I hope y’all found it as valuable as I did. Remember, if you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow, comment, and share it with your friends.
Also, subscribe if you’re on YouTube. Now, let’s keep this community growing strong. If you are watching, are you feeling our new setup for when we have guests? So it’s all thanks to this six week bootcamp of my seven figure podcast that I’m currently enrolled in. I am learning so much about how I can create a successful podcast.
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Don’t forget to check out their merch. This is the shirt that I’m wearing from them. It’s available on melantwins. com. And one more thank you to Shan for coming on. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And as always, remember it’s your journey, your hustle, your rules. Bye y’all.
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